She would've been 34 today

Today started off pretty well -- my favorite attendant from the home health agency came to get me up, a little reading, checking email, a nice lunch with Dad (Mom's at work). It briefly passed through my mind more than once that today is my sister Stacy's birthday (especially since Dad made the comment after lunch that I am going to be an "old lady" tomorrow on my own birthday), but I didn't feel the usual sinking in my stomach or pang of sadness.

I should have known it was coming. I just didn't expect to sneak up on me in a song.

I was sitting here at the computer, looking up prices of trinocular stereo microscopes with included cameras and imaging software, not really listening to the music on my Real Player. Dad said he was going over to the neighbors' to mow (they're custom cutters and have been away most of the Summer), and I made sure he had plenty of water to take with him. That bit of distraction was all it took for me to notice the song that was playing.

"There You'll Be" by Faith Hill.

The song was popular around the time my sister died. I think of her a lot when I hear it -- not because of the coincident song popularity and her death, but because it fits our relationship. We were each other's defenders growing up. She was an extrovert who did whatever she wanted and everyone else's opinions be damned. And I learned from her without even realizing it. She supported me in whatever I did. Even at the height of our fighting days before she moved to Illinois, we both subconsciously knew that if one of us got into real trouble that the other would be there in an instant to help -- though you never would have heard me say it aloud, and probably not her either.

I sat here quietly, listening to that damned song. I don't remember when I started to cry, but boy, did I cry. It's been almost seven years, and it still hurts like a son of a bitch.

I suppose it always will.


There You'll Be -- Faith Hill

When I think back on these times
And the dreams we left behind
I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed
To get to have you in my life
When I look back on these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there will always be a place for you
For all my life I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am, there you'll be

Well you showed me how to feel
Feel the sky was in my reach
And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me
Your love made me make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there will always be a place for you
For all my life I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am, there youll be

'Cause I always saw in you my light, my strength
And I want to thank you now
For all the ways you were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there will always be a place for you
For all my life I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am, there youll be